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Ace & John: Gift Horse

 

Ace & John

 

John: Man, I have had the worst d-

 

Ace: That’s nice, simpleton. But before you go on your primitive tirade, let me tell you about a real problem! You see, I’ve been trying to get ahead at the office lately. I know what you’re thinking, “Ace, you’re already at the top!”

 

John: Actually I was think-

 

Ace: Yeah, right. The trouble is that Dan, the second assistant to the senior manager in charge of marketing, has been competing for the same position! I’m looking for a way to really trounce him. What is your suggestion?

 

John: Uh well why don’t you give your boss a gif-

 

Ace: I’ve got it! I’ve been kissing the boss’s butt in the entirely wrong way! I’ll get him a gift! Something that screams “I’m only pretending to like you so you’ll promote me!”

 

John: How about a bowling ball?

 

Ace: Your head is a bowling ball!

 

John: But I was just trying to he-

 

Ace: Shut up, bowling ball head! Now, I don’t actually want to buy my boss anything. I mean, I can’t afford to at a lousy fifty grand a year! Let’s see… A tie? No, too generic. Cologne? Nah, he stinks enough already..

 

John: How about a bowling ball?

 

Ace: I’ve got it!

 

(The next day at the office)

 

Ace’s boss: It’s so nice of you to give me a gift! Let’s see what we’ve got..

 

(He opens the box to reveal John)

 

John: Wanna go bowling?

 

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Ace & John: Reading Rainbow

 

Ace & John

 

Ace: When was the last time you read a book?

 

John: Actually, just last night I read Game of Thrones!

 

Ace: Contrary to your dumb beliefs, Game of Thrones is actually a real book series, not just anything that you read while you’re sitting on the toilet!

 

John: My mistake. Let’s see.. Here is what I read. (He hands Ace a book)

 

Ace: John..this is a volume of the encyclopedia! Don’t tell me you read all of this during one sitting! What did you eat last night exactly?

 

John: I ate enough to get me through that very book cover to cover!

 

Ace: Now when you say cover to cover, do you mean you read all of the contents, or just the front and back covers?

 

John: Just the covers of course. I mean, if the inside was that important they wouldn’t have hidden it!

 

Ace: Now I understand, unfortunately.

 

 

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Ace & John: The Neighbors

 

Ace & John

 

Ace: You know what I hate?

 

John: Paying taxes?

 

Ace: Well, yes. But I’m talking about the fact that our neighbors are Mike and BoB!

 

John: What’s wrong them?

 

Ace: You mean you don’t know?? For starters, I was showing Mike my vast literary collection and guess what? He didn’t even recognize the work of F. Scott Fitzgerald when I flipped to a random page in The Last Tycoon!

 

John: Is that bad?

 

Ace: Bad? It’s devastating! When I was 13 years old I could recite Mark Twain novels word by word! I bet they think Huck Finn is something you do when you eat too much fish! I’ve got to show them what they’re missing!

 

John: That reminds me, I want fish for dinner.

 

Ace: Bah, you’re all neanderthals!

 

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Ace & John: Workplace Woes

Published by in Ace & John on January 1st, 2012

 

 

Ace & John

 

Ace: (Loosening his tie) What a tough day at the office!

 

John: (Walks in with a gigantic nail sticking through his arm) Yeah, work was bad. I had an accident..

 

Ace: You too? I was doing the quarterly report – for the third time mind you, because of my high and mighty boss, when I get a paper cut! It’s a good thing we got an hour for lunch or I’d be really mad!

 

John: I fell off the 61st floor and hit a plank on the way down. Luckly, the 12th floor was there to catch me or I’d be really mad!

 

Ace: Quiet you simpleton! You don’t know what a bad day is! I remember one morning we were out of coffee AND staples, AND it was a monday!

 

John: I’ll remember your time of suffering when the crane operator smacks the back of my head with a beam…again..

 

Ace: Yes, please do!

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