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Confessions: Abducted

 

Confessions

 

This one time I was minding my own business when I suddenly got abducted! They did invasive experiments on my body for a whole hour! I’m never going back to that doctor.

THE END

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The Jokebook: Wearing a Pot

 

The Jokebook

 

 Why was the man wearing a pot?

 

Cause the cookie sheet was in the oven!

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Ace & John: Gift Horse

 

Ace & John

 

John: Man, I have had the worst d-

 

Ace: That’s nice, simpleton. But before you go on your primitive tirade, let me tell you about a real problem! You see, I’ve been trying to get ahead at the office lately. I know what you’re thinking, “Ace, you’re already at the top!”

 

John: Actually I was think-

 

Ace: Yeah, right. The trouble is that Dan, the second assistant to the senior manager in charge of marketing, has been competing for the same position! I’m looking for a way to really trounce him. What is your suggestion?

 

John: Uh well why don’t you give your boss a gif-

 

Ace: I’ve got it! I’ve been kissing the boss’s butt in the entirely wrong way! I’ll get him a gift! Something that screams “I’m only pretending to like you so you’ll promote me!”

 

John: How about a bowling ball?

 

Ace: Your head is a bowling ball!

 

John: But I was just trying to he-

 

Ace: Shut up, bowling ball head! Now, I don’t actually want to buy my boss anything. I mean, I can’t afford to at a lousy fifty grand a year! Let’s see… A tie? No, too generic. Cologne? Nah, he stinks enough already..

 

John: How about a bowling ball?

 

Ace: I’ve got it!

 

(The next day at the office)

 

Ace’s boss: It’s so nice of you to give me a gift! Let’s see what we’ve got..

 

(He opens the box to reveal John)

 

John: Wanna go bowling?

 

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The Storybook: Onion

 

 

The Storybook

 

I remember when I first tried onions. One whiff and I was crying like a baby. Then I took a bite and cried some more. My mother saw me and also started to cry. This spread to everyone in the neighborhood and soon, everyone was crying. It was a sad day, let me tell ya.

THE END

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Ace & John: Reading Rainbow

 

Ace & John

 

Ace: When was the last time you read a book?

 

John: Actually, just last night I read Game of Thrones!

 

Ace: Contrary to your dumb beliefs, Game of Thrones is actually a real book series, not just anything that you read while you’re sitting on the toilet!

 

John: My mistake. Let’s see.. Here is what I read. (He hands Ace a book)

 

Ace: John..this is a volume of the encyclopedia! Don’t tell me you read all of this during one sitting! What did you eat last night exactly?

 

John: I ate enough to get me through that very book cover to cover!

 

Ace: Now when you say cover to cover, do you mean you read all of the contents, or just the front and back covers?

 

John: Just the covers of course. I mean, if the inside was that important they wouldn’t have hidden it!

 

Ace: Now I understand, unfortunately.

 

 

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Lunch Menu: Nuts & Berries

 

LUNCH MENU

 

MAIN MENU                                   SIDE DISHES

 

                                                               Nuts & Berries                                     Raw Acorns

 

                                                                            or                                                 Bag a’ Roots

 

                                                                 Nuts & Bolts                                         Skim Dirt

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